The Hardest Word to Say to Myself

This morning I woke up, a few times (as been the situation for a while now) until I finally pulled myself out of bed at 7am. This is the latest I can leave my bed if I want to shower, and attempt to look decent for a day of work AND get to work on time.

I have been struggling with sleep for the last few weeks. Nightmares, dreams in constant fast forward motion, and actual panic/anxiety attacks in my sleep. Today it took its toll on me at work. I was attempting to engage in my daily duties during my spare when I felt ill. I couldn’t quite put my finger on what I was feeling, but I know it was a combination of feeling lightheaded, queasy and not all together.

On the drive to work, I was having a mental battle with myself over accepting that I have depression in its real form (and not just in feeling low and mis-diagnosed), and between wanting to feel a sense of “normal”, whatever form that may be this week.

I have always known things were harder for me. Situations that I saw other people getting themselves into and out of with relative ease put me in a horribly crippling position. I couldn’t understand why things to seemed to be easier for some people and not for me. But life and things got in the way of me getting a real diagnosis and some real help, until May 20^th last year.

For those who know me, they know the significance of this date, and for those of you who don’t, my mother passed away on May 20^th, back in 2004. And last year when I was housesitting in Sydney and experiencing major panic attacks and anxiety attacks, my gorgeous supportive friend decided it was time to see someone for real about what was happening.

So that date I received my diagnosis, and I accepted it. I also graciously accepted the help that followed. Fast forward to almost ten months later, and I am still receiving the help I need, but am again at war with my mind. You see, I am struggling with forgiveness. That seems to be the hardest word for me in this present time of my life.

I just secured a full time teaching job, after over 15 months of no secure lengthy contracts (read; unemployment), I just joined the gym again (after more than two years away from any gym, although I had yet to go to a class/workout), and things were finally falling into place and looking on the rise. So why the battle with forgiveness? I am not sure. But that battle continued tonight, on the mat.

I have been feeling the pull to yoga for a long time now, and I have purchased books, attempted my own flows both on land and in the pool, but I had yet to go to a class, to experience yoga in a place, that in my mind, filled me with dread.

I know I look nothing like the others in the class, but I went anyway. I never used to wear singlets to the gym, and therefore endured more heat and restriction than I should have, and tonight I came out of the dressing room in a bright pink singlet. NO SLEEVES. And I  took myself to the mat, and attempted my first class. As we were laying there, coming into our breath, the instructor asked us to set our intention for the class. She mentioned words like love, happiness, abundance etc, but it was the word forgiveness that hit the nail on the head.

I started to tear up. I knew this lesson was going to be about forgiveness. And boy, I wasn’t wrong. As I fumbled and attempted my way through the next 60 minutes of poses and stretches and breathing, tears streamed from my face not once but over four times. Each time I tried to do a pose that I struggled in – I heard forgiveness, and cried. For previously, I have never been kind to myself. I am the first to be super harsh and tear myself down. To others, I have pearls of wisdom and compassion and kindness in spades, to myself, hatred, fear, rejection and lack of compassion and forgiveness. I would be the first to pick apart all the parts of myself that weren’t so easy to like. I had been working on loving the parts of me that were easy to like. But somehow, the other stuff was just too hard. Being heavy is hard. Being unkind to myself is hard. I was tearing myself down. This wasn’t anyway to treat myself.

So each time I attempted a pose, I had this battle in my mind, between hating myself for not being able to do this pose better, and with more ease, and reminding myself that “I am human”, “you gotta start somewhere”, and “just because you can’t do it today, doesn’t mean you won’t be able to do it –someday”.

Forgiveness. For being human. For letting life get me down for a while, and for having the courage to get back up. Forgiveness for not being okay all the time, and being okay with not being okay. Forgiveness for not being all that I thought I “should” be at this point in my life, but for trying once again. Forgiveness for being so unkind to myself for so long.

So the end of the class came, I survived, and I cried some more. My instructor encouraged me to continue with the class, to come back next week, and to not give up on myself. And so I cried again. Because I don’t want to give up, I don’t want to give in. I had given up on life two years ago, when a broken foot and PCOS diagnosis hit me like a tonne of bricks, and then when unemployment hit me real hard in the head and heart. And because I am back in the game. I don’t want to give up on life. I wanted to keep going. Reminding myself that all of this is ON the way and not IN the way, to me achieving all my heart’s desire.

So tonight, I forgive myself a little bit more. And I go to bed with a heart filled with gratitude. And a mind ready to tackle it all again tomorrow.

Love, love, love,

Sara Alicia Kristine

The Voices in My Head…

         Another Monday, another post.
So yesterday was a significant day for me and my latest venture project. I was speaking with a long time friend when out of the blue he offers me the most amazing gesture. So as of yesterday, I now have my first ‘official’ sponsor for my not-for-profit. I have plenty of supportive people in my life, which I am also grateful for, but this is something tangible and something that is etching me one step closer to living my dream out loud.

This morning, I should have been over the moon. I woke up, made calls, arranged appointments and did more research. But then I was washing the dishes, and that voice reared its ugly head. You know the voice… The voice that says “hold up, you can’t actually be serious?” and “Do you really think you can do this project??” and even that old faithful “what makes you think people are going to listen to what you have to say?”

I was doing the dishes. I had spent my morning working on the project, and feeling all confident that this is going to work and this will happen for me. Then I go and do something mundane such as the dishes and that voice appears.

This voice has appeared many a time. When I first submitted my lyrics to a company in Nashville, TN. When I first attempted University. When I attempted my Masters. When I moved interstate. When I travelled overseas solo.

But you know what? That voice was silenced by the validation that came from the five different songwriting contracts I ended up receiving from that company in the small music town of Nashville, the voice was silenced the day I graduated from my Bachelor degree and was employed in my field. That voice was also silenced when successfully moved states, made friends, gained employment and stood on my own two feet. The same ugly voice was also silenced when I embarked on my first international solo journey and made numerous, gorgeous, twin soul humans in each city I visited alone.

So it appears that I am able to silence that voice with evidence and proof.

But how does one silence that voice when you have yet to experience the proof?

That challenge came up for me today. I think I handled it well. I am still here, 11pm at night working on my website etc.

It will simply come down to just yelling STOP, where socially appropriate and moving back into a mindfulness state that is focussing on the power of now, and the fact that every day I do something positive towards the business, I am proving that voice wrong. And Every time I meet someone who wants to jump on board my dream and my mission, I am proving that voice wrong.

I don’t think that voice ever really goes away, I think you just get better at managing it.

How do the rest of you manage that voice? Comment below

New Years, New Goals.

So last night (Dec 28th) I made two (of the many) new goals. I decided that it is time to get back into my training that I was doing two years ago. I have decided that I will be registering for The Gold Coast Bulletin Fun Run (5kms) in April, and then the Gold Coast Airport Marathon (10kms) in July.

You see, two years ago, I wanted to run in the Sydney City2Surf 14KM fun run. I had begun my training. I was down to 7;34mins for the kilometre. I was able to run the whole kilometre. This was after I had started just two months earlier, learning to run. I had never run before, and was beginning a new weightloss regime. Slowly and steadily I was able to take myself from a time of 9mins47secs and running (if you could call it that) for barely 30 seconds at a time, to, by December 2012, running the full kilometre and doing it in a time of 7mins36secs. That was an achievement for myself.

Then my world flipped upside down. I got my period and it lasted 5 weeks. I have always been irregular since getting my first one at 14, but this was very irregular. A cause for concern. This stopped my training dead in its tracks. I couldn’t run, I could barely leave the house. It would soon turn out that I would be diagnosed with multiple cysts on not one but both my ovaries (PCOS). This was going to require ongoing monitoring and treatments.

In addition to that good news, I broke my foot (5th metatarsal) during a volunteer drama workshop I was running for the youth of South West Sydney. It just so happened that I broke my foot the night before the diagnosis. This injury took me out of the training game for a further three and half months. Nine weeks to heal the break, and then two and half months to recover the subsequent damage from wearing a moon boot for the nine weeks.

This took its toll on me. By the time I was physically able, my mind had all but given up. I let it give up on me. Both injuries forced me to face a world where I needed to ask for help, a world where I couldn’t do it all on my own, and that it was okay to ask for help. It took all the strength I had to keep the 35kgs I had lost to date, off. Some of it crept back on. But the worst of it all was the depression that kicked my arse. Hit me for six. I had also left a job that wasn’t serving me or my soul anymore, and that was a difficult but right decision.

All this seemed insurmountable. I gave up. I gave in.

Soon, a trip that I booked to the USA and the Dominican Republic would put a much needed band aid on all the bad feelings I was having. But that band aid was ripped off and life when back to normal by Mid-February of this year.

It is December now, and not only have I put all that weight back on that I had successfully lost through hard work and perseverance, but I am afraid to say, that I have probably put a little more on top it. I have also been diagnosed with depression this year, sought counselling, taken medication, and moved states. Finally, I am feeling like I am in a place in my life where I feel like I am getting my balance right.

Ruin is the road to transformation – Elizabeth Gilbert

I stand here, December 29th, 2014, and I have made two new goals. I will make several more, some that are personal, and some that are professional. But these two goals hold a special place in my heart. I am ready to try again. Even as I type this, I feel my eyes well with tears. It feels great to finally say that and really feel it in my heart.

I am ready to try again.

Today I went for a walk, I am watching what I am eating, once again, and I registered for the first of two fun runs I will complete this year. Sure I could have found a reason to not register yet, the money etc… blah blah blah. But in my heart, I am ready to try again. It may not be the Sydney City2Surf, but one has to start somewhere. And I live on the beautiful Gold Coast. So why not start in my own backyard.

Today, I went for a 30 minute walk. It doesn’t sound like much, but it is a start. I will aim to walk everyday. Rain or shine. I will vow to stay on my medication for a little longer, I will vow to eat better. Treat my body like it’s my best friend. We have been through so much together, and we still have a long way to go (permitting), so I will vow to take much better care of it. I will vow to finish 2014 strong, and go into 2015 with a mindset on the end game, on my goals and in a place it has never been before. This makes my heart overflow with gratitude.

This blog will now turn into my Road to #GCBFR 2015. I will post each week about my progress and where my mindset is at. The 5km Fun run may seem small, but it is a start. Something I remind others is – How do you eat an elephant? Answer: One bite at a time. So that is how I will tackle this. One step at a time.

My goal isn’t to lose weight, but I am certain it will be a by-product of all the work I put into achieving this goal. The goal isn’t to come first, come race day. The goal of this goal is to set a goal, work towards it, take the necessary small steps that will lead to success, and cross that finish line.

So here’s to one of my many goals for this coming new year.

Always learning, with gratitude.

Sara Alicia Kristine

My Mind Wanders Still…

Okay, so it has been a while since my last post. Not anymore. I am going to make a concerted effort to post once a week. Unless I have more stuff to write about, then it might be two a week. But definitely will commit to one a week.

So this following piece was something I wrote a month ago. In a notebook. So here I am publishing it on here.

My Mind Wanders Still…

I thought this time was going to be different We could talk for hours, it was all exciting, I even got butterflies the morning after our first official date (that went for five hours mind you). I was nervous to go on the second date, and again it lasted for hours. Cut short only because I had a long drive home and an early rise the next day. Sure, all evidence pointed towards the fact that we got along. But somewhere deep inside, I don’t think it was on the big things. The things in life that really mattered.

I found myself telling my girlfriends about this new man, but as I told the story, I heard myself, and I noticed that something seemed to be missing. I noticed that something within that you only notice when you’ve spent years getting to know yourself. I noticed that I wasn’t feeling that one thing I wanted, needed, to feel. Then, sure enough, in the days that followed the conversation with the girls, my mind began to wander. Back to the other men in my life that had made me feel that thing. That made my stomach flip with butterflies with just a touch of the hand. The sweet kiss of the lips. The meeting of the minds. Back to the one who is, to this date, my biggest regret/lesson (still trying to find the lesson, so it’s technically a regret).

So I am here again. Seemingly normal, okay kind of guy, and my mind wanders. My heart and head, not ready to commit. I convince myself that the reasons are not trivial, that the red flags I was seeing, were real. Believing that I am now getting much better at recognizing them earlier. Trusting in my instincts.

I know myself enough to know that this just wasn’t going to work out. I know myself enough to know that what we could have had, would never have been enough. I know myself enough to know that if I pursued this any further, that it would just be unfair, for the both of us. And because I love, (and work really hard to not come from a place of fear in the heart) I must tell him and be done with that chapter. So I told him. He took it like a gentleman, and that was that.

When my mind wanders, I know my heart will never commit. There have been many things that have kept my mind fixated, committed. Because my whole heart was/is in it. So when I find a man who does that for me (again), I know I will make that leap and commit. I have been great at recognizing when things aren’t right, now I need to get better at recognizing when they are. That way I won’t have another regret. I won’t meet another amazing, sweet man with so many great qualities, and makes my heart dance with excitement, and let him get away because of fear. That regret came from the inability to notice something right in front of my face, the inability to move into that space DESPITE the fear.

I believe the universe provides, and for now, I know that when and if that man comes along again (new or the same soul), that fear will not stop me, but will only serve to tell me that this is right for me and my heart and that the next step won’t be as scary as the last.

With gratitude and love.
Sara Alicia Kristine

I left my heart in NYC

It’s raw and unedited. It’s just a little bit of me, being me. Enjoy.

With gratitude, thank you for reading. x

So I left my heart back in New York City, 
Back where the snow lay soft on the grass.
Where the wind, only sometimes blew gently.
Where the romances just couldn’t last. 

Where the heart of the city merged with mine. 
Where I’ll replay all the stories in time.

For years I had only dreamed of her busy streets.
Never listened when the people tried to tell me they’re mean.
Fell in love with sights and all the surrounds.
Spent my whole life’s savings just to put my feet on her ground. 

Down in Harlem with the faces that smiled, 
Through the square where the lights burn bright.
To the park where the snow fell ever so silent, 
To the church where my heart grew quiet.

On the Upper West Side where I was lost then found,
Down to the ferry that did its round.
Where I met Soul travelers with hearts like mine,
The people that changed my world, one conversation at a time.

                                                                                                    Sara Alicia Kristine c 18.12.13

What’s Mine

~My voice might tremble a little when I speak,
But my message is so very far from weak.
I might mess up and say something wrong,
But my words ring out clear with intent that’s strong.
I could cower and find myself a hole in which to hide,
But the voice powered by heart grows deeper inside.
You might think it’s taken the longest time,
But when I show up now, what I’m bringing is mine.~

                                                         Sara Alicia Kristine c 2014

A little bit of my truths…

As I entered the taxi and we drove off, in love with the very theme, theory and essence of love itself. – Robert Kendall (Smalls Jazz Club, NYC, 12-9-2013)

This was too beautiful to not write down. Thank goodness I had my gorgeous little journal in my handbag at the time. I could not leave the Jazz Club that night without writing it down.

I have a habit of buying journals. Of all shapes and sizes. Some with blank pages, others with empty lined pages. Each just waiting to be filled with that which flows through me not from me. I am merely a vessel for a lot of the words that end up on the page. Sometimes they make sense, other times they need a rewrite. Sometimes they are song, complete and unedited. Other times, they are poem that goes with the flow.

Recently, I found a journal that I kept whilst I was travelling overseas. After the magical week that was New York City, I was onto the Dominican Republic, which would become my home for just over two months. My songwriting changed. My muse had changed. My story had changed. So, that is where I was at with that. As of late, I haven’t written too many sets of lyrics. Just short poetic verses of such and such.

I thought I would share with you all some of what I found. Take from it what you will. Any comments are greatly appreciated. And if you feel like you want to share it along, by all means – be my guest. 🙂

Excerpt One:

Maybe it’s just what it is, Nothing more to it than this.

Come and gone like a shooting star, Giving just glimpses of who you really are.

Maybe this was all it was meant to be, Little pieces of you to help me discover such a huge piece of me.

And if that week was all I had, not gonna let it get me sad.

Come and gone just like a shooting star, I’m just lucky I was left with remnants of who you really are.                                                            

                                                                                Sara Alicia Kristine c 16.12.2013

Excerpt Two:

It’s hard sometimes to tell the real from the fake, but I wanna walk with you through this fire we make.                                                                          

                                                                                          Sara Alicia Kristine c 12.9.13

With Gratitude – thank you for reading. x

I am enough.

As ruinous as I feel right now, in the depth of the depth of this storm, 

I must remember how it felt back then, when I allowed my heart to roar.

Sara Alicia Kristine 2014 c

It sat there, not being read in the longest of time. Encapsulated in the warm embrace of the beautiful white leather cover engraved with the words, “with brave wings she flies”. I picked today to read it. I am grateful I did. I smiled as I read and reread the words I so hurriedly written on the tiny pages when I was in the throws of it all last December. I am, of course, referring to the time when I spent a magical, romantic, crazy, emotion filled, cold, exciting, wondrous time in the city that never sleeps, New York City. I smiled as I read each page. The lyrics I wrote, the entries I wrote about the people I met, they all brought me back to that amazing week. I met some of the most influential people in my life. I learnt lessons that had taken a lifetime and a plane ticket to finally learn. And to think I almost cancelled that portion of the trip. I am forever grateful that I didn’t.

So the lesson in this, as ruinous as I feel in this moment of depression, I know that I have felt differently. I know that I can feel differently, and I believe in the depth of my soul that I WILL feel differently soon. M. Scott Peck, author of The Road less Traveled describes how there is a huge lessons in going through depression, and as hard as it has been for me to be open and talk to people about it, it would have been even harder if I hadn’t read this passage. As anyone who has gone through, is going through, or know someone going through depression, it can happen to anyone, it can strike you down, knock you for six and shake up your world in the most unimaginable ways. But it holds lessons for all involved. If you let it. And today’s little walk down memory lane is a great little reminder of how I can feel when I am in my element. When I am living from my soul, not separate to my soul. It reminded me of the time when I allowed myself to really be myself. When I read those words back to myself, it reminded me of the time when finally, I was able to look at myself in the heart, and say the words that I had not quite gotten around to saying to myself (at the age of 30)… that I am enough. I AM ENOUGH! That powerful three worded phrase.

I say these words to myself atop the Rockerfeller Centre, the lookout to the amazing city after dark, and I sat there looking at a view that wasn’t a movie scene, it wasn’t a postcard, it wasn’t a picture in a magazine, it was real. And I was there. Soaking it all in. Every last second of it. How the crisp night air felt on my face and fingertips each time I took my gloves off to take a photo, and how the city seemed to be buzzing with that New York energy, even from that high up.

I sat down on a seat up there and took the time to speak with my mum a while. I hadn’t spoken with her in a while. For those of you unfamiliar with my back story… my mother passed away in 2004. But from time to time, I speak with her. That night was one of those times. So as I sat there and spoke with her, I told her of the people I had met, and more importantly, of the experiences I had had. Experiences that didn’t call for me to be any thinner (a lie I continue to tell myself but which I am working on), any smarter, any prettier, any more fashionable, any more well off, any more anything. Experiences that revealed to me what many others had tried tirelessly to reveal in the times I had spent with them pouring out my heart – I am enough. As I spoke those words to my mum, to the crisp night air, to hear myself speak, I really took them into my heart. For the first time in my adult life, I really believed what I had to say.

The point of this post, I read a journal I wrote some 10 months ago, I remembered a journey that took a lot of courage for myself to go on, and I am grateful for everything that happened, and continues to happen subsequently, the good and the bad, the easy and the hard, the pretty and the ugly. Because as hideous as I feel some days, I have felt on top of the world, when I was standing on what felt like the top of the world at the time. And for that, and for this part of the journey, I am grateful. I am grateful, I am grateful, I am grateful. Oh and I am enough.

Today is a new day

Today the sun rose on a new day, but it was just an ordinary day. A Tuesday to be precise. I awoke to a beautiful message from a soul sister I met at a music gig, inviting me to come for a walk along the beach. My heart screamed yes, but I was initially hesitant. A theme which would come up in our beautiful conversation later that morning. But after getting up, eating a nourishing breakfast of fruit salad and ginger tea, I decided to do it. Besides, I love the beach, and I love being by the water, and I am loving getting to know this new soul sister.
It turned out to be just what I needed. We walked, and cried, and laughed and made a plan. It was beautiful. And I learnt some new things about myself too. I also made the decision to begin posting to this blog often. Even if no one reads it. I am going to post. Some posts will be about my projects, and some posts will be just my ramblings about different topics. Additionally, some posts might just be a photo that I have taken recently and wanted to share with you all. Also from time to time I might add a link to a project of mine, or a friends, for your information/ support of/ or for just general feedback.

This decision isn’t one that is brand new. I had made this decision many times before. So why would this be any different. I can’t answer that for sure. But what I do know is, I want this to be different. I want this time to stick. I have been so afraid of admitting that I am a writer, and sharing my work, that it has lead to me to hesitate. Stagnate. And one doesn’t grow when one isn’t pushed outside their comfort zone. So this is me pushing me outside my comfort zone. I can’t promise that I will post daily, but I can assure you, the readers, that I will aim to post at least twice a week. And with so much writing in books of mine, it wouldn’t be hard to fulfil that obligation.

Thank you again for your continued support and following.

Lastly, If anyone reading these feel compelled to leave a comment, I will endeavour to reply and/or thank you for taking the time to read and respond.

Sunsets over the Gold Coast

Something beautiful about the colours and the notion of the sun setting on a particular day to allow for night to come and the faith and hope that a new day brings.